Wedding Haka

What is right is always right.

My Achilles/Hector

 "He is half of my soul, as the poets say. He will be dead soon, and his honour is all that will remain. It is his child, his dearest self. Should I reproach him for it?"

The Song of Achilles, Madeleine Miller

The Office

Keep climbing, the mountain.

I did not think I would ever like metal as much as I do now (at least as many songs). I mean genuinely like it - another piece of the world I hadn't known before. You keep holding my hand and leading me to new things, things that touch something in me, something real and buried deep. Maybe that is why I refuse so stubbornly to leave.

I still haven't found

Tentei encontrar uma image, um meme, uma canção que fosse o sumário perfeito das últimas duas semanas. Como de costume, quero deixar uma pista de por onde tenho andado, migalhas que só eu consigo decifrar para seguir o trilho um dia mais tarde. Mas desta vez não consegui encontrar a coisa perfeita, só pequenas imperfeições - interessantes, mas ainda assim...

Porque é que até no mais privado de mim mesma, do que me traz prazer e não é uma obrigação (ou se o é, é auto-imposta), sinto esta necessidade da perfeição tal como eu a concebo? E porque é que tu tens isto também, tão parecido comigo que às vezes não pareces real? 

Não sabia que podia existir alguém como tu. E agora sinto-me desamparada, por vezes, ao invés de esperançosa - porque já encontrei o meu lar mas a porta nem sempre está aberta, e paira a pergunta: Deveria encontrar outro poiso? Um imperfeito (porque não és tu), mas constante.

---

“And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.” Steinbeck

I also love intertextuality.

And I hate breaking other people's hearts, or have mine broken. Life is complicated. And oh, so wonderful.

And I know deep down

"Said I never believed in the mates of soul

So I never once claimed that I know

That you're the only, only one for me"

Skin in the Game

 "So let me finish this book with a (long) maxim, via negativa style:

No muscles without strength,
friendship without trust,
opinion without consequence,
change without aesthetics,
age without values,
life without effort,
water without thirst,
food without nourishment,
love without sacrifice,
power without fairness,
facts without rigor,
statistics without logic,
mathematics without proof,
teaching without experience,
politeness without warmth,
values without embodiment,
degrees without erudition,
militarism without fortitude,
progress without civilization,
friendship without investment,
virtue without risk,
probability without ergodicity,
wealth without exposure,
complication without depth,
fluency without content,
decision without symmetry,
science without skepticism,
religion without tolerance,

and, most of all:

nothing without skin in the game."

Nassim Nicholas Taleb

On the vertical axis, High Fantasy vs Low Fantasy. High would be set in a fictional world with magic and supernatural beings in it, possibly going as far as to involve the gods. Low fantasy would be more grounded in reality, and magic or supernatural thing in it would be more rare.

On the horizontal axis, Heroic vs Dark. Heroic fantasy would be typically focused on the journeys of protagonists fighting clear moral battles for the greater good. In Dark fantasy, however, the line between good and evil is blurred, and fear or survival outweighs heroic triumph, in grim settings.

Yes, this was very fun.

But I like it anyways

 

'Cause I think I'm getting closer to you every day

I know you'll come around

Want somebody holding me through the night

"Many say they'll love me,

but nobody's ever treated me right"

Damn.

You're too sweet for me

I aim low

I aim true, and the ground's where I go

 

Fight Club

Save a horse

 Find yourself a Walter boy.

(And keep living and learning! Let's see, I should probably list this:

1. Clearly I still need to learn to be less judgmental. Can't wait to keep growing, keep trying.

2. I am learning to separate parts of my feelings, separate experiences. A different me, one that is always authentic though. What a trip!

3. Being asked if I was a player, plus the other stuff, that was a new high. Time to go back to the bucket list and check some stuff off...

4. I hope I am being careful enough, but I think so. Something I know about me now is that I never want to hurt anyone, if I can avoid it. And there is such a thing as my heart not being mine to give...)

So I'm gonna love you

 

Like I'm gonna lose you.

"L'amour c'est l'infini mis à la portée des caniches et j'ai ma dignité moi!"

Louis-Ferdinand Céline, Voyage au bout de la nuit

Waste my time

 

"Hold on to me

Like we're the only ones that see

The sky above us falling down (...)

I have wasted most of my life

Playing games that I knew I'd lose

Let me sing to you

Just sit here, don’t move

I just want to waste some time with you

So take my hand

I don't understand (...)

Forcing back the tears

Over all the years

Boarding up the door (...)

And I still don't believe

That you want to waste your time with me"

Laying in bed at night when S. sent me this song, which just happened to be the perfect description of the bench afternoon I just had with M. The feeling I must be doing something right in this life, for once, spreading some good to the people around me, like I always wanted to do. Living and loving, smiling and crying, understanding me and the world. What a journey.

This yearning.

"And then to want and not to have - to want and want - how that wrung the heart, and wrung it again and again!"

Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse

I know not who you are, nor how I came to find you

What do you do when the Disney prince is just too charming too resist?

Alone

Each lover has a theory of his own
About the difference between the ache
Of being with his love, and being alone:

Why what, when dreaming, is dear flesh and bone
That really stirs the senses, when awake,
Appears a simulacrum of his own.

Narcissus disbelieves in the unknown;
He cannot join his image in the lake
So long as he assumes he is alone.

The child, the waterfall, the fire, the stone,
Are always up to miscief, though, and take
The universe for granted as their own.

The elderly, like Proust, are always prone
To think of love as a subjective fake;
The more they love, the more they feel alone.

Whatever view we hold, it must be shown
Why every lover has a wish to make
Some other kind of otherness his own:
Perhaps, in fact, we never are alone.

W. H. Auden

Would you make it all right?

"If you wanted, you could make it all worth it, worth it, worth it"

ADHD lessons, 2026 edition

- Some songs hit it just right, for an amount of time, and they must be repeated ad nauseam. Funny that.

- Unconventional tools actually work? So why not use them.
- We are everywhere, like a hidden community inside another, and we are more similar than I ever thought. Belonging like this feels good.
- I need something to fidget with...

And don't you ever forget it.

Love is a crazy game

 "Now that I've lost the best friend that I've ever had"

(Twice in cinema. Once in 70mm, another in digital. Once with my heart on my sleeve, another with a broken heart. I cried in the same scene both times, when Troy fell, the real fall. I am not sure what this means, but I know it means something. In any case: thank you, Nolan, for bringing another little piece of me back, and you don't even know me.

PS: And of f course I would not be the only one going to it twice. Should have guessed. Years after a female doppelganger, I was not expecting a male one.)

Have you ever fallen in love with a place?

Maybe you remember the first introduction, the quick glance you spared because your curiosity piqued. The beginning of a question. You were intrigued, that was all. You couldn’t possibly know yet what it would become for you. When the second time came around, you allowed yourself a longer look, you walked away with some recollection, a little fondness. Then it’s the third time, and you daringly toss your legs over the window sill, step out into the open. You allow yourself to stay longer this time, and savour the moment. Familiarity kicks in. The lights of the city shine brighter against the darkness of the street below, and there’s a softness to the cacophony of traffic.

Along comes the day you give it your heart. You don’t realise it right away, of course; one never knows they are offering their heart until after the fact. Bewildered, you try to retrace your steps only to find out you must surely have left your heart back there – in that place. Perhaps it happened when you first pulled back the curtain and the early morning breeze waltzed in, cooling you down. Maybe it was when you decided to step outside again, drawing the curtain closed behind you lest you wake him up, and you watched the sun rise behind the tall buildings.

You don’t remember noticing anything but the fact that you fit there so precisely (isn’t that funny?), a book on your folded knees and a sense of contentment. You do not usually feel every moment but you are present now, you are living in this moment called the wait, it arrived already named. The wait, which is deliciously chilly and inextricably tied to a time, and this place. It is bounded to end, and that is why it is complete. You hear the different bird calls before you spot them, zigzagging high and low.

When the warmth of the sun starts creeping along your skin you’re so comfortable – possibly even happy – that you resist going back in. You know you should, a few more hours of sleep will do you well, and you know the moment is over anyway. When you reluctantly head back in it is only because you promise yourself this is but a temporary separation.

And yet.

In a couple of hours you will find out the harder truth: this place does not belong to you. It can (it is!) taken away with a snap of his fingers. It is not done uncaringly, but it is unmistakable. You discover how hard it is to reconcile the fact with how you feel about it. That loving a place does not make it yours. And so, before you leave the next day – and the next, and the next – a ritual starts taking shape: when it is time to leave, you step outside for a moment. It is a moment you create anew, every time, and you linger. You are saying goodbye, because you know you might not come back. And if this is the last time, if there might not be another moment, then you want to make sure you feel this one. 

Your eyes wander down the road.

I've been trying to do it right

I belong with you, you belong with me

You're my sweetheart

The Wall

Special adventures :)

 "Cry 'Havoc!' and let slip the dogs of war"

William Shakespeare's Julius Caesar

I had no time to choose

"You can't deny how hard I've tried

I changed who I was to put you both first

But now I give up."

It's ok. It is hard.

"The good things aren't a movie. There isn't enough to make a reel. The good things are a poem, barely longer than a haiku. (...) There are all the grand things he wanted to be, a longing so naked and sorry I sensed it and grieved it even as a young child. (...) "I mean, imagine my life if I'd been raised by my father."

"Imagine your life if you'd had a father who loved you as a father should", Vince countered.

I tried to imagine such a thing, but my mind could not be forced to do it. I couldn't break it down into a list. I couldn't land on love or security, confidence or a sense of belonging. A father who loved you as a father should was greater than his parts."

Cheryl Strayed, Wild

It's a shot in the dark, but

 "When I am with you, 

there's no place I'd rather be."

I ‘spose I’ve got to go the road I’m going

[...]

It’s rest I want – there, I have said it out –
From cooking meals for hungry hired men
And washing dishes after them – from doing
Things over and over that just won’t stay done.
By good rights I ought not to have so much
Put on me, but there seems no other way.
Len says one steady pull more ought to do it.
He says the best way out is always through.
And I agree to that, or in so far
As that I can see no way out but through –
Leastways for me – and then they’ll be convinced.

[...]

Bless you, of course, you’re keeping me from work,
But the thing of it is, I need to be kept.
There’s work enough to do – there’s always that;
But behind’s behind. The worst that you can do
Is set me back a little more behind.
I sha’n’t catch up in this world, anyway.
I’d rather you’d not go unless you must.

 Robert Frost, A Servant to Servants (1915) 
https://thepoetryhour.com/poems/a-servant-to-servants/

Apocryphals

These are a few of my favorite things.

And I'd give up forever to touch you

Cause I know that you feel me somehow

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

John McCrae

Sigh

I miss Mordheim.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves (...)”

 Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

I want you to notice

"When I am not around

You're so fucking special

I wish I was special"

 "We don't need to be constantly reasonable in order to have good relationships; all we need to have mastered is the occasional capacity to acknowledge with good grace that we may, in one or two areas, be somewhat insane."

Alain de Botton, The Course of Love

Whatever our souls are made of

"Vegvisir and Aegishjalmur are two of the most well-known Icelandic symbols today. You’ll see them in tattoos, jewelry, artwork, and even pop culture. In English, the Vegvisir is called the Viking compass. The Aegishjalmur is known as the Helm of Awe."

https://guidetoiceland.is/best-of-iceland/vegvisir-vs-aegishjalmur-meanings-origins-and-key-differences

MORERAPS, on writing - Joseph Coelho

In the attempt

"If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt." 

Before Sunrise

That's life

"That's life (that's life)

That's what all the people say

You're riding high in April, shot down in May

But I know I'm gonna change that tune

When I'm back on top, back on top in June"

Darkness

There is a darkness about you I recognize. ’Cause you see, I live with that darkness too, and I never stopped trying to thrive in its shadow. I keep laughing, hiding the pain in plain sight – just like I have seen you do. It makes me want to hug you, tell you it’s not necessarily going to be alright but at least we have each other now. 

Do we have each other?

It makes me want to let myself fall, as I know I probably will, because of that darkness about you. It’s ok. I am used to falling, and I have learned that, for some people, that is the only way to fly.

No, I don't wanna fall in love

"I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you

And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you"

Orcs everywhere!

The frequency illusion (also known as the Baader–Meinhof phenomenon) is a cognitive bias in which a person notices a specific concept, word, or product more frequently after recently becoming aware of it.

The name was coined in 1994 by Terry Mullen in a letter to the St. Paul Pioneer Press. The letter describes how, after mentioning the name of the German militant group Baader–Meinhof once, he kept noticing it. This led to other readers sharing their own experiences of the phenomenon, leading it to gain recognition. It was not until 2005, when Stanford linguistics professor Arnold Zwicky wrote about this effect on his blog, that the name "frequency illusion" was coined.

Several possible causes behind frequency illusion have been put forth. However, the consensus seems to be that the main processes behind this illusion are other cognitive biases and attention-related effects that interact with frequency illusion. Zwicky considered this illusion a result of two psychological processes: selective attention and confirmation bias.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frequency_illusion

Desfado

"Ai que tristeza, esta minha alegria

Ai que alegria, esta tão grande tristeza

Esperar que um dia eu não espere mais um dia

Por aquele que nunca vem e que aqui esteve presente

Ai que saudade que eu tenho de ter saudade

Saudades de ter alguém que aqui está e não existe

Sentir-me triste só por me sentir tão bem

E alegre, sentir-me bem só por eu andar tão triste"

The one who waits

(Before sunrise)

Give me one good reason why I should never make a change

Mordheim (or any mini tabletop really)
Invited for a "Blind" Date

(Before we go)

That'll have to do

 "So I thought that if I piled somethin' good on all my bad

That I could cancel out the darkness I inherited from dad"

Big feelings

"This is how emotions often feel to me. There's a wave behind me building, and just as it crests, I am let go. I lose my tether, and I'm pulled under with an intensity that doesn't make sense to those around me. Overcome, I frequently do and say things that make the situation worse - the equivalent of swallowing water because I am desperate for air. Often, I am unaware of the rising tide of my emotions; when I am, I'm often talked out of my concerns. To everyone else, it's just a day at the beach. (...) 

My new school sells cinnamon rolls at break. I eat them every day. The sweetness is like a life preserver. I am trying to keep my head above water. (...) I have m first panic attack at age thirty-two, and it feels as if I'm unraveling. As though someone found a loose end in the sweater that is my knitted life and pulled. I knit myself back together and keep on. Things will be easier when I get through this day. This week. This month. This project. This miscarriage. This divorce. This pandemic. This - (...) 

the waves come too quickly for me to recover. They create a riptide that pulls me far from shore, farther than I have ever been. (...) I drown for almost a year, clutching at life preservers, never finding shore. One day, I stop believing I ever will. I have promised myself "things will get easier when" and it hasn't "gotten easier when" so many times that I've stopped believing it ever can. If there is no shore, it's easier to just swim down. I can't do this forever. I'm so tired.

I realize I can stop. (...) It's shocking how quickly it happens, how practical and even easy the solution suddenly seems compared to continuing on. In the space of a few minutes, I go from a terrifying plunge into despair to a plan and, with it, relief.

The mental health expert part of me recognizes the danger and jumps in like an unwelcome lifeguard. (...) It knows what to do (...) I get myself away from anythinga I see as a great solution to my problems, and call people who can help e ride out this unexpected tidal wave: suicide hotlines, a friend a few hours away, and an ex who lives close enough to intervene if needed. He has been trying to distance himself from me emotionally, but that night he comes over and hugs me hard. "Don't go." (...)

Now when I'm angry, I'm able to acknowledge my anger, and this allows me to communicate it and set boundaries based on it. It doesn't build up and then explode out of me the way it used to, confirming my fear that anger is bad, it makes people hurt people. I'm able to tame it, sit with it, and express it in healthier ways."

How to ADHD, Jessica McCabe

(Are you... Me? Also, I love you Jessica!)

Eu te espero tanto

The Rice Hypothesis

"There do appear to be regional variations indicating that environment shapes how we behave towards one another (…) Why are there these geographical differences? (…) It is difficult to answer these questions, as culture, history, politics and a host of other factors contribute to the psychology of individuals living together, but there are some interesting accounts. As a student of behavioural science, Thomas Talhelm spent his graduate days in China, a vast country of over a billion people. Initially he lived in Guangzhou in the south and noted how, when he bumped into residents in the local busy supermarket, they would tense up, avoid eye contact, shuffle away awkwardly and avoid any conflict. They were shy around strangers and focused on avoiding conflict. However, when he visited Harbin in northern China, he noted how people behaved very differently. They were much more independent, confrontational and outgoing. Why were people from the two regions so different?

Talhelm came up with a broaden-and-build idea based on farming. Thinking about China, he noted that south of the Yangtze River, where the climate is warmer and rainfall more plentiful, farmers have been growing rice for at least 10,000 years, whereas north of the river they grow wheat.45 The crops differ significantly in how they are farmed. Rice is twice as labour-intensive compared with wheat and requires irrigation.46 An irrigation system quadruples the rice yield but it is beyond the capability of a single farmer to build or maintain one. A single family cannot provide enough labour to survive by farming rice and so success depends on the collective effort of farmers. Irrigation also has to be shared, as the same water supplies neighbouring farms. Therefore, rice farming requires cooperation and generates shared accountability and interdependence in comparison to wheat farming. Could these different farming practices influence the communities’ behaviour?

When he looked at various psychological measures of different styles of thinking, Talhelm found there was a wheat–rice divide (…) Even the way people conducted themselves in public when they thought they were relatively unobserved showed this difference between individualism and collectivism. Talhelm and his colleagues went into local Starbucks cafés in several different northern and southern Chinese cities to observe the naturalistic behaviour of customers in the café.51 People from the northern, wheat regions were more likely to be sitting alone (35 per cent) compared with those in the southern Starbucks branches (20 per cent). Researchers in the various Starbucks branches then deliberately moved chairs to partially block the aisle, to see how customers reacted to the obstacle. Based on previous observations, the prediction was that people from individualistic cultures would be more likely to change elements of the environment to amend the situation, whereas those from more collectivist cultures would be more likely to change themselves to accommodate the situation. Only three out of 100 (3 per cent) customers from the rice region moved the chairs, preferring to squeeze through the gap, in comparison to 20 per cent of those from the wheat regions, who moved the chairs out of the way."

The Science of Happiness, Bruce Hood

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31404829/

Let my love open the door

"I have the only key to your heart"

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.”

Neil Gaiman

(Pulp Fiction)

Tú me partiste el corazón

 "Pero, mi amor, no hay problema, no no
Ahora puedo regalar
Un pedacito a cada nena"

(Before we go)

Catlike

"Een kat in het rauw maakt rare sprongen, maar komt altijd op zijn pootjes terecht." 

M.

I can't stop myself from calling, calling out your name

I can't stop myself from falling, falling back again

"One never knows what women think,

especially the women who write"

The Afflictions of an English Cat, Balzac translated by Carl van Vechten

Pretty Please

"When my mind is runnin' wild

Could you help me slow it down?"

(Dua Lipa? Who would have thought, but these beats though)

 

(Marriage Story)

You said you cared

 

"I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm fallin'

What if I'm down? What if I'm out?

What if I'm someone you won't talk about?"

 "(...) Their relationship persisted in the awkward limbo of two objects held at a precise distance by constant centrifugal force, unable to move either closer together or farther apart."

Jade War, Fonda Lee

Soft as it began

Estranha forma de vida

"Coração independente

Eu não te acompanho mais!

Pára, deixa de bater

Se não sabes onde vais

Porque teimas em correr,

Eu não te acompanho mais"

 "You don't think your way to a new way of living. You live your way to a new way of thinking."

David Schnarch

I almost got the whole thing wrong

"but I got you right."

Reductionism, all the way down to math

"Reductionists are those who take one theory or phenomenon to be reducible to some other theory or phenomenon. For example, a reductionist regarding mathematics might take any given mathematical theory to be reducible to logic or set theory. Or, a reductionist about biological entities like cells might take such entities to be reducible to collections of physico-chemical entities like atoms and molecules. The type of reductionism that is currently of most interest in metaphysics and philosophy of mind involves the claim that all sciences are reducible to physics. This is usually taken to entail that all phenomena (including mental phenomena like consciousness) are identical to physical phenomena."

https://iep.utm.edu/red-ism/

(And another first time for me: the first time I explained what I thought, and someone said "Oh then you are a [insert philosophical view]". I liked it.)

Easy wind and downy flake

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep."

Robert Frost

Never give all the Heart

Never give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that’s lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost.

Yeats

Don't start now

Though it will take some time,

I will be better on the other side

(As it turns out, I had been stimming to the right song already, I just hadn't realised)

New every morning

[...]
Every day is a fresh beginning;
Listen, my soul, to the glad refrain,
And, spite of old sorrow and older sinning,
And puzzles forecasted and possible pain,
Take heart with the day, and begin again.

Susan Coolidge